Terrorists release American ski hostages after 2 years of captivity.

Teton-ik Ski-JHad

 by: Team Billy

Ski Fiction/Humor

Terrorists release American ski hostages after 2 years of captivity.

Three Terrorists, who kidnapped and held American backcountry skiers hostage for two years, emerged from Death Canyon in Grand Teton Nation Park, Jackson’s Hole, Wyoming late yesterday. The group of six, walking arm in arm to the trail head,  turned themselves in to Park Ranger, “Black George” Simmons, (a notorious “ankle man”) at the White Grass Ranch Ranger Cabin.

The group emerged from Death Canyon chanting, “Make Turns, Not War.” And “Long Live SkiSex.Com™.”

The terrorists immediately requested political asylum and turned over a large cache of weapons including, AK-47’s, RPG’s, various side arms, a hookah and their captives “weapons of mass recreation.”

The State Department granted all the terrorist’s demands which also included changing their names to; “Abdul_Dude”, “Mustapha Sunni-Bro” and “Sayyid Doggy-Dog”. Their other demand being considered was the exchange of information for ski and snowboard gear.

The three Americans asked that their names be changed to; “Usama Bin Ripp’n”, “Saddam WhoSki’n” and “Yasser FatAir-Ahh.” Yasser FatAir-Ahh, aka Eric Lynch, said the bonding experience with the captors led to many changes in his personal life. “Dude, I stopped bathing so I could smell like these guys.”

Collin Powder, a State Department dude, told the group that all the demands for name changes would be met and U.S. Citizenship would be granted.

Israel immediately condemned the move calling it, “a slap in the face to Jewish skiers everywhere.” Catholic and Fundamentalist Christian groups were equally outraged and stated that this move “wipes out all the positive and beautiful acts and achievements made during The Great Crusades.”

The three skiers went missing and were presumed stoned two winters ago. Friends halted the search after they learned of a keg party in Driggs, Idaho. When asked why they never resumed the search, the group stated that they simply forgot. “Dude, shit happens. We thought about it from time to time but couldn’t remember our friend’s names!?! We just figured they had gone skiing in Canada…”, Mike Rossi said.

The story begins in Mexico where the terrorists crossed the U.S. border posing as Pseudoephedrine and Phenylpropanolamine drug smugglers. When questioned, a U.S. Border Patrol Agent explained that their focus is on illegal workers.

Agent Mattski Wolfe (who asked not to be identified) said bluntly, “Look here sir, the American public needs time to surf web sites, write blogs, find mates and go to shopping for crap they don’t need on ebay.com.. Our job is to prevent American’s from having to actually work. Illegal drugs are the least of our worries! We have a failing economy to support here.”

In a unique move, the former terrorists and their captives united to form a new organization called the “Brotherhood of The Teton-ik Ski-JHad.”  Usama Bin Ripp’n, formerly known as Sean Gollub, stated that “peace through snowsports and making turns will change the World and bring all persons together. Dude, it’s like one big parking lot party at the end of a huge powder day. Make Turns not War, Dude.”